Marriage Quotes

 

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

-- Oscar Wilde

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. (Got married last weekend, wife knows everything).

--Anonymous

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

--Anonymous

Marriage is much like communism, it works best in theory.

--Anonymous

 

All men are idiots... I think I married their king.

--Anonymous

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
-- Anonymous

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
-- Anonymous

Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
-- Anonymous

Marriage is like a box of chocolates. You have to squeeze a few
bottoms to make sure you like what you are getting.
-- Anonymous

 

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-- Henny Youngman

 

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that
perhaps they're too old to do it.
-- Ann Bancroft (married to Mel Brooks)

 

Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is
talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
-- Bill Cosby

 

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner

 

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
-- Benjamin Franklin

 

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman

 

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

 

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle

 

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns

 

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy Garner

 

My mother buried three husbands,and two of them were just napping.
-- Rita Rudner

 

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman

 

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I
married the wrong man."

 

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when
I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice."

 

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
keep her.

 

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage
is the triumph of hope over experience.

 

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

 

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.

 

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two
girlfriends.

 

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

 

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once.

 

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky,
mine's still alive."

 

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