The following page is dedicated to one of man's greatest inventions

BEER! The ELIXIR of life!

" Here's to alcohol, the cause and solution of all the world's problems..." -Homer Simpson

The Beer Page

 

The lager prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed by thy drink.
They round will come,
I will be drunk,
At home as it is in the Tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us for spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the Stout, the Bitter, and the Pilsner.
Now and forever
Barmen.

 

 

 

COOKING WITH BEER

The Great American Beer Club

Virtual Beer Postcards

 

"Famous Beer Quotes"

To some it's half empty, To some it's half full. To me it's time for a beer run!

--Anonymous

To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support Group

--Anonymous

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

-- Frank Sinatra

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and
an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football
team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least
you need a beer.

--Frank Zappa

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will
teach you to keep your mouth shut.

--Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol
than alcohol has taken out of me.

--Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer.

--Plato

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the
decency to thank her.

--W.C. Fields

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill;

Madam, if you were
my wife, I would drink it.

--His reply

Sir, you're drunk!

--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill;
Yes, Madam, I am. But in the morning, I will be sober
and you will still be ugly.

--His reply

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have
given us stomachs.

--David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking class.

--Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking
beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history
of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was
also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly
as well with pizza.

--Dave Barry

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it
from urine.

--David Moulton

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of
beer; they just like to pee alot.

--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the
world.

--Kaiser Welhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet
beer.

--Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as
hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no
way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

--Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting.

--George Jean Nathan

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to
spend time with his fools.

--For Whom the Bell Tolls,
Ernest Hemmingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without
holding on.

--Dean Martin

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like
me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing
you with beer.

--Homer Simpson

 

 Beer Drinking Problems
Below are a list of typical beer drinking problems, together with
the root-cause problem
and a suggested solution.
Note: that this is only a guide - your observations may vary.
(Drinking is not an exact science, after all)

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to ladies room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand nect to nearest dog, complain about its
house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with flourescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

 

 

Why a Beer is Better than a Woman...

1.) When you go to a bar you can always pick up a beer

2.) A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath

3.) You don't have to wine and dine a beer

4.) Hangovers go away

5.) A beer doesn't get jealous when you try a different beer

6.) When you finish with a beer, the bottle is still worth 10 cents

7.) You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good

8.) A beer always goes down easy

9.) You can share a friend's beer

10.) Beer is always wet and ready

11.) You always know you're the first one to pop a beer

12.) If you pour a beer right you'll always get head

13.) A frigid beer is a good beer

14.) You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty

15.) You can enjoy beer all month long

 

 

Basic Bar Terminology...

1. "YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

2. "I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU."
(Happy hour is about to end... drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)

3. "HEY, WHERE IS THAT GIRL FRIEND OF YOURS?"
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to have sex with your girl friend.)

4. "I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL."(FEMALE)
(I'm easy.)

5. "I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (MALE)
(I'm gay.)

6. "I'LL HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN." (FEMALE)
(I'm really easy.)

7. "I'LL HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN." (MALE)
(I'm really gay.)

8. "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (FEMALE)
(You're paying more attention to your friends than to me.)

9. I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (MALE)
(I'm horny.)

10. "WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

11. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE)
(Get the hell out of the way.)

12. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am going to grope you now and blame it on the crowd.)

13. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of my way.)

14. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO FEMALE)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You're certainly not all that, Miss Thing, coming in here dressed like a hoochie... And get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you like the slut you are.)

15. "WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?"
(What's cheap?)

16. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

17. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (FEMALE TO MALE)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, can you imagine what I'll do to you in bed?)

18. "THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR."
(Did I sleep with him/her?)

19. "CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (FEMALE)
(I am really annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

20. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (FEMALE)
(I'm 19.)

21. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE)
(I don't have a license since I got pulled over by the cops for being stoned after my last visit here.)

 

While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some arguments for changing that policy.

Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.

 

Sure, drinking kills brain cells, but only the weak ones.

University is a fountain of Knowledge... and the students are there to drink.

Don't drink and park; accidents cause people.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.

Don't drink and drive - you might hit a bump and spill it.

Faster cars, colder beer, younger women, more money!

Don't drink and drive - Smoke dope and fly home.

Drink wet cement, and get completely stoned.

What care I how time advances: I am drinking ale today.

I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.

Only consume alcohol on days ending in "Y!"

The shortest distance between two points is off the wall

Two is company, three is an orgy.

My kingdom for a beer; half my beer for a woman.

(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

Keep America beautiful, swallow your beer cans.

 

 

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